No new sink.
No paint.
No 4th of July.
No kids clothes.
No kitchen makeover.
No summer camp.
No escape.
Maybe no August.
Probably no September.
Don’t ask why.
Archive for May, 2008
13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13
There seems to be a light…… or a train…… either way there is a change coming.
The theme for this Thursday is things that have made me smile in the past few weeks..
1. Riv and Grey discovering the moths around the lightbulb and Riv saying to Grey…”don’t worry I will protect you”.
2. Water falls…little toes…..goggles….playing hookie.
3. Gelato.
4. Air conditioners and MNMs understanding that I neeed it.
5. Italian soda…foot baths… and laughing with my girls.
6. Still feeling like an imposition on everyone who will agree to be around me but caring a little less if they are doing it through gritted teeth.
7. Hand knit washcloths.
8. Salads and farmers markets.
9. Riv deciding to home school next year.
10. Sweet words of encouragement from my lady friend(s)
11. Drunk Eric
12. Dancing Greyson
13. Singing Velvet Underground and Cure songs with my sweet Riv.
Feelings
I want to feel again.
I want MNM to know that I love him.
I want my kids to know that I love them.
I want to feel their love.
I want my friends to know I love them.
I want to feel their love.
I want people who annoy me to stay away.
I want to stay away from people that I annoy.
I want to be happy in the place I am in.
I want to live up to my kids’ expectations of me.
I want to stop disappointing myself.
I want to laugh again.
Down the rabbit hole
Dear Friends,
Thank you for the kind words. I don’t think I am getting better. I am going through the motions. I am sorry if I was around you and it felt like I was faking. I am trying to be there for my kids. I cry a lot right now. I feel like I want to share this journey with people who read this because I want them (you) to know that I am still here and I think we are still friends even if I am only a shadow right now. I am looking for someone to talk to but we only have temp insurance right now and it doesn’t cover mental health. MNM is trying to hold the family on his shoulders and I appreciate him for that. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to live with this shell of me right now. I will try to touch base every now and then….
until then..
Joi
Depression sucks
For any of you that don’t know me well, I battle depression. It has been my shadow my whole life and it is the most major thing about me that I would love to leave by the side of the road. It isn’t like being sad for me it is more like a paranoia mixed with a completely hollow feeling inside. I can still find a way to interact with people but while I am in it I feel like I am phoning it in at best. I am in it right now. I am trying to shake it right now. The paranoia makes me feel like a friendless loser and the hallow makes me feel like I don’t give a shit about having friends anyway. I know how to work through it….. it takes time. But I feel like I need to apologize all the time about my brain. I want to dig in and bury myself here at home. I want to close the blinds and listen to nina simone and cry and drink whiskey but I can’t. Time to be mama. Being mama means you can’t run away or do yurself in. Thank goodness for mama.
